Breaking the Cycle: Healing Generational Trauma
I understand how hard it can be to break free from patterns you didn't even realize were there. Sometimes, it feels like no matter how much we try to parent differently than our own parents, the same issues come up. That’s not a reflection of your willpower or your ability to change—it’s the powerful, often invisible force of generational trauma.
Generational trauma can feel like a shadow hanging over your life, affecting your relationships, your emotional responses, and even your health in ways you may not be fully aware of. This trauma gets passed down through families, often without anyone realizing it. But the good news is that with awareness and intention, you can be the one to break the cycle. I’ve seen firsthand how transformative this process can be for people, and I want to walk you through how trauma gets passed down and, most importantly, how we can stop it.
What Is Generational Trauma?
If you're not familiar with the term generational trauma, you're not alone. It's something many people have experienced, but few can easily identify. Essentially, it’s the trauma experienced by one generation that gets passed down to the next. It could be trauma from something massive, like war or systemic oppression, or it could be something more personal, like growing up in an emotionally neglectful household.
The tricky part is that even if you didn't directly experience the trauma your parents or grandparents went through, the impact of their experiences can shape how you see the world and relate to others. It can show up in subtle ways—like how you handle stress, how you view your self-worth, or how you parent your children.
I understand how puzzling this can feel. Sometimes we think, "I'm not the one who went through that; why am I still affected?" But the truth is, trauma can be passed down in ways we don’t always understand. And if you're struggling with issues that seem to run in the family, it could be because of patterns that have been quietly repeated over the years.
How Trauma Gets Passed Down Through Generations
Trauma doesn't just live in the mind; it also lives in the body and in relationships. Let me break this down:
Through Behavior: Children learn how to interact with the world by observing their caregivers. If a parent has unresolved trauma, their coping strategies—whether it's emotional numbing, avoidance, or hypervigilance—become a model for their children. You may have learned, for example, to push down your emotions because that’s what your parent did to cope with their pain. And now, you might notice yourself doing the same thing, even when you don't want to. Or you do the opposite and over share your thoughts and feelings.
Through Emotions: Emotions are deeply contagious in families. If a parent carries a lot of unresolved grief, anxiety, or anger, these emotions can become the emotional landscape of the household. Kids absorb that, often without even realizing it. You might find that certain emotional responses feel almost automatic, as though they’ve been handed down to you without your consent. Or you suppress and deny them and act out in the opposite way.
Through Genetics: This part is fascinating, though still being studied. There's evidence to suggest that trauma can affect gene expression. It doesn’t change the DNA itself, but it changes how certain genes are turned on or off, particularly those related to stress. This can be passed down, meaning your body might carry a heightened stress response based on what your ancestors went through.
Through Family Narratives: Sometimes, the trauma gets passed down through the stories we tell—or don’t tell—about our family’s history. Families that have survived great hardship may have a collective narrative that shapes how everyone views the world. It’s not uncommon for a family to carry a sense of helplessness, scarcity, or mistrust based on past experiences, and this worldview can be passed down through generations.
The Impact on Parenting
As a parent, you might have noticed certain behaviors or emotional reactions coming up that you don’t feel are entirely yours. You might see yourself repeating patterns you swore you'd never repeat. Maybe you lose your patience quickly, or maybe you have difficulty connecting with your children emotionally in the way you’d like to. This is often where generational trauma shows up.
For example, if you grew up in a home where emotions were not discussed or handled well, you might find it hard to help your child navigate their feelings. Or, if your parent was overly critical, you may struggle with perfectionism and inadvertently pass that pressure onto your child. These patterns can be subtle, but they have a way of showing up in how we relate to our kids.
I want you to know that this is not about blaming yourself. It’s incredibly hard to break free from patterns you were raised with, especially when they’re linked to trauma. But with awareness and compassion, you can start to notice these patterns and take steps to change them.
How to Break the Cycle of Generational Trauma
The first step in breaking the cycle is awareness. The fact that you’re reading this right now tells me that you’re already on that path. You’re questioning old patterns, and that’s a huge part of healing. But beyond awareness, there are specific strategies that can help you truly break free from generational trauma.
Therapy Therapy is one of the most powerful tools we have for healing trauma, and I can’t recommend it enough. Certain therapeutic approaches are particularly helpful for generational trauma. I’ve found that many of my clients make significant progress using:
Somatic Experiencing (SE): Trauma lives in the body, and SE helps release that stored tension by focusing on the body’s sensations. If you’ve ever felt like you’re “stuck” in trauma despite talking about it, SE can help move that trauma out of the body, freeing you to respond to stress in healthier ways.
Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART): This is a newer therapy that uses eye movements and visualization to process and resolve traumatic memories quickly. ART is effective at helping people reduce the emotional intensity of traumatic memories without having to relive them in detail.
NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM): NARM is particularly helpful for addressing developmental trauma—trauma that affects how we relate to ourselves and others. It focuses on reconnecting with your authentic self and healing the relational patterns that have been passed down through generations.
Mindfulness and Self-Compassion You might think, “How does mindfulness help with trauma?” Mindfulness helps you notice those automatic reactions—the ones you inherited or developed as a survival mechanism—without judgment. By bringing awareness to how you feel in the moment, you create space to choose a different response. For example, when your child pushes your buttons, mindfulness can help you pause and respond thoughtfully, rather than reacting out of an old pattern.
Self-compassion is equally important. It’s easy to beat ourselves up when we notice these patterns, but I encourage you to be gentle with yourself. You’re working to heal something that runs deep, and that takes time and patience.Reparenting Yourself One of the most transformative things you can do is learn to “reparent” yourself. This means giving yourself the care, love, and understanding that you may not have received in your own childhood. It might look like practicing self-care, setting boundaries, or learning to soothe yourself when you’re upset.
Reparenting helps fill in the emotional gaps left by generational trauma, allowing you to respond to your own children from a place of fullness, rather than emotional depletion.Breaking Old Patterns Part of breaking the cycle is recognizing the patterns that have been passed down to you and deciding to do things differently. This might mean learning new ways to communicate, setting boundaries in relationships, or developing healthier coping mechanisms.
I’ve seen parents who, after recognizing a family pattern of emotional avoidance, make a conscious effort to talk openly with their children about feelings. It’s not easy, but with practice, these new behaviors can become part of a new legacy for your family.Building Healthy Relationships We heal in relationships. Surround yourself with people who support your healing journey, whether it’s friends, family, or a therapist. Healthy relationships provide a safe space to process and heal from trauma. The more secure connections you have, the easier it becomes to break the patterns of isolation or mistrust that often come with generational trauma.
Telling Your Story Understanding and sharing your family’s story can be a powerful way to process generational trauma. This doesn’t mean you need to broadcast it to the world, but it can be healing to acknowledge the trauma and how it’s affected your family. When you give voice to the past, it loses some of its power to control the present.
Moving Forward
Breaking the cycle of generational trauma is no small task, but I know it’s possible because I’ve seen it happen. It’s not about being a perfect parent or completely erasing the effects of the past—it’s about becoming conscious of the patterns and making different choices moving forward. It’s about healing so that your children don’t have to carry the same weight.
If you’re reading this, you’ve already taken the first step by seeking out information and reflecting on your own experiences. That’s huge. The next step is to reach out for support—whether through therapy, mindfulness practices, or building supportive relationships—and continue on this path of healing.
By doing this work, you’re not only healing yourself; you’re also giving your children the gift of a healthier, more connected future. And that’s a legacy worth fighting for.