How Your Childhood Trauma Can Affect Your Parenting: A Guide for Parents
As a parent, I know how deeply we all want to provide our children with the love, stability, and care we may have missed in our own childhoods. But sometimes, despite our best intentions, our past experiences, especially those rooted in childhood trauma, can affect how we show up for our kids. You may have found yourself reacting in ways that feel automatic or confusing, wondering why certain emotions or behaviors come up when they do. Trust me, you’re not alone in this, and it's completely normal to feel that way. I’ve seen so many parents experience the same struggles, and together, we can explore these patterns, understand them, and work to change them.
What is Childhood Trauma?
Let’s start by talking about what I mean by childhood trauma. Trauma doesn't have to be the result of one major, catastrophic event (Big T). It can also come from long-term experiences like emotional neglect, growing up in a household where emotions weren’t safe to express, or living with parents who struggled with their own unresolved pain (Little T). When we’re children, our brains and bodies are still developing, and we learn how to relate to the world based on the environment we’re in. If that environment felt unsafe, unpredictable, or unloving, it can leave a mark on how we feel about ourselves and how we relate to others. Our nervous system doesn’t differentiate between Big and Little T’s, so our reactions often feel confusing and shameful.
You may have developed coping mechanisms to survive in that environment, like shutting down emotionally, becoming overly independent, or constantly seeking approval. These strategies were protective back then, but now they get in the way of being wholly present with ourselves and our children.
How Trauma Shows Up in Parenting
I often work with parents who are surprised by how their own childhood experiences show up in their parenting, and I want you to know this is so common. Maybe you’ve noticed yourself getting unusually frustrated or angry when your child doesn’t listen. Or maybe you have a hard time setting boundaries because it makes you feel guilty, or you find it difficult to comfort your child when they’re upset because no one comforted you when you were young. These are just a few examples of how unresolved trauma can influence our reactions as parents.
When we don’t take the time to reflect on our past experiences, these old patterns can take over. It’s like we go into autopilot mode. But the good news is that by bringing these patterns into awareness, we can change them. Together, we can explore these automatic responses and start to understand where they come from.
Recognizing the Patterns
I know it can be difficult to look back at your own childhood, especially if you’ve worked hard to move on from it. But recognizing the patterns from the past is the first step toward breaking free from them. Take a moment to think about your own parents—how did they respond to stress, conflict, or emotions? What was their parenting style, and how do you see that reflected in your own parenting now? Sometimes, just making those connections can help us understand why we do the things we do.
You might also notice that certain situations with your child trigger strong emotional responses in you. Maybe when your child pushes back against a boundary, you feel a wave of frustration or even rage that seems bigger than the situation calls for. Or when your child expresses sadness, you might feel uncomfortable, unsure of how to support them. These reactions often stem from old wounds that haven’t fully healed, and they’re opportunities for us to dig deeper into what’s really going on.
How Healing Helps You and Your Children
Here’s the thing: by healing your own trauma, you’re not just healing yourself—you’re also creating a different emotional environment for your children. When we work together to understand and process the pain of the past, you’ll find that you’re able to respond to your child’s needs from a place of calm and compassion, rather than reactivity.
Children are incredibly sensitive to our emotional states, and they learn how to navigate their own feelings by watching how we handle ours. By working on your own emotional health, you’re giving your children the gift of learning how to process their feelings in a healthy way. You’re also modeling for them what it looks like to take care of yourself, to seek support, and to prioritize emotional well-being—all lessons that will serve them for the rest of their lives.
Breaking the Cycle of Trauma
This is where the real work begins—breaking the cycle. Trauma tends to be passed down from one generation to the next, often without anyone realizing it. But I want to emphasize that you have the power to change that. You can be the one to stop the transmission of trauma to your children. It’s not about being a perfect parent or never making mistakes. It’s about becoming more conscious, more aware, and more intentional in your interactions with your kids.
I know firsthand how challenging it can be to break free from these ingrained patterns. But I’ve also seen the incredible transformation that happens when parents commit to this process. It’s hard work, yes, but it’s also some of the most rewarding work you’ll ever do. And you don’t have to do it alone. I’m here to support you every step of the way.
Therapeutic Support
There are several therapeutic approaches that can help with healing trauma. If you feel like your childhood experiences are holding you back from being the parent you want to be, therapy can offer a safe and supportive space to process those feelings and begin to heal. In our work together, we can explore therapies like:
Somatic Experiencing (SE): Trauma lives in the body, and SE helps us release that stored tension by focusing on the body’s sensations. If you’ve ever felt like you’re “stuck” in trauma despite talking about it, SE can help move that trauma out of the body, freeing you to respond to stress in healthier ways.
Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART): This newer therapy uses eye movements and visualization to process and resolve traumatic memories quickly. ART is effective at helping reduce the emotional intensity of traumatic memories without having to relive them in detail.
NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM): NARM is particularly helpful for addressing developmental trauma—trauma that affects how we relate to ourselves and others. It focuses on reconnecting with your authentic self and healing the relational patterns that may have been passed down through generations.
These therapies can help you not only understand where your reactions come from but also teach your body and mind new ways of responding. Together, we’ll work on building that awareness and giving you the tools to handle tough situations with more calm and presence.
Moving Forward
As we explore your own experiences and how they’re impacting your parenting, I want you to know that healing is possible. It’s not an overnight process, and there will be bumps along the way, but you can absolutely break free from old patterns. And when you do, you’ll find that parenting becomes a more fulfilling, connected experience—not just for your children, but for you as well.
This journey of healing isn’t just about resolving the past; it’s about creating a different future for your family. You’re already taking the first step by seeking to understand yourself more deeply, and that’s something to celebrate. We can’t change the what happened, but we can absolutely change how it impacts our lives moving forward.
If any of this resonates with you, or if you feel like you’ve been stuck in patterns you don’t fully understand, I encourage you to reach out. Let’s explore this together, with compassion and care. By doing this work, you’re not just healing yourself—you’re creating a healthier, more connected future for your children and for generations to come.
We can do this together.